Giving Thanks

I had started this post yesterday morning before heading out to my Mom's house. I had a list of things I was thankful for and how I love Thanksgiving (especially all that great food).

I would like to be able to say that my Thanksgiving was perfect but alas cannot. Barring the turkey and additional family members at the table, it frankly did not feel like Thanksgiving at all. Things with my Mom did not get off on the right foot and she and I never hit a stride after that. My Aunt arrived and offered another set of hands to help but things with my Mom were a bit tense. When she dropped the turkey (thankfully upright and on the oven door) my blood pressure was through the roof and patience utterly gone. And of course, I felt bad for reacting that way.

I know my Mom has her demons that she has been trying to battle. And I appreciate her efforts but am once again disappointed that things are not different. I feel foolish because I allowed myself to have the barest of hope that this time she would get her act together and come to her senses. I am currently devoid of hope.

I could not wait to get home last night and put an end to the day. I spent the evening on my couch, cat in my lap, tea in hand, magazine to read and tissues nearby. Really not how I wanted to celebrate the holiday.

I am utterly worn out. I am a strong person but really feel at the end of my rope. I feel bruised, actually more like being chewed up and spit out. I wanted to hide today and lick my wounds but I am happy that I roused myself to go and see a movie I wanted to see.

So I am trying to be grateful for what I have but am not really thankful for this feeling that I am not important to people in my life.

Thanksgiving

We all have that one dish that makes an appearance each Thanksgiving that no one knows where it came from or who started it. But there it is. Cranberry Relish with walnuts. Ambrosia. Jell-O molds. For my family it is Green Bean Casserole.

I don't even know what's really in it other than the beans and the crispy fried onions for the topping. My mother loves the stuff. She also has a love of stuffing that I can't quite understand either, but that's another story. She makes it in spite of the rest of us mocking her. She asks us to try it. Once, many moons ago, I did. It did not impress me.

We did not have Green Bean Casserole this year. Thanksgiving was good, but seemed a bit more subdued. I think the loss of my grandfather this summer has got everyone shaken up. It seems as if the whole family is unsure of their footing now.