Dating Sideshow

It seems to me that I could put together a circus sideshow of some of the men I have dated recently. I would only charge a nominal fee but could guarantee entertainment.

First up would be the man who claimed he didn't believe in the Internet. Yes, he actually said those words. This was a second (and last) date and I had, up until the point this gem was delivered, assumed his biggest flaw was apparent alcoholism. I was proven wrong by his utterance. I assured him that while the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny may not exist, the Internet indeed does. I told him it was more that he didn't believe in using the Internet. Given that he had an AOL email address, that seemed to be accurate. He was pretty inebriated by the time the date was over. When I called to tell him we were never going out again, he spent the first few minutes of that call quizzing me about what smartphone and data plan he should upgrade to. I told him he couldn't afford my consulting fee.

The next is the man who couldn't handle grief. Actually he was incapable of recognizing or handling any emotions (mine or his). So when I had to put my cat to sleep, he disappeared for days. And when I finally sent him an email asking what was up, he told me that he figured I wouldn't want to hear from him because he had never had a pet. I patiently (ok not really patiently) explained that grief is a pretty universal emotion whether for a pet or a person. He had some other issues so I broke up with him. It was adult and handled well. Then, about two weeks later, I got an email from him stating that he was moving on and couldn't have any more contact with me. The clue that we were moving on was the breakup phone call. Apparently he had a delayed reaction or needed to have the last word. Last I heard he was heading to a retreat to learn how to be more of a man. He's going to need quite a few retreats.

This brings us to the man who would not stop talking about sex. He was a friend of a friend and a set up. Before we had even met he was sending me text messages telling me that I was hot, asking what I was wearing and one very cheesy Roses Are Red poem. Our date was at 4pm on a Sunday. I am not even sure what meal that is suppose to be. Dinner? Lunch? Delayed Brunch? I got to the restaurant a little early and got really annoyed when he kept texting me from the parking lot asking if I was in the restaurant and where was I exactly. I was at the front (at that hour it wasn't like the place was packed). We sat down and he proceeded to explain to me how open minded and sexually experienced he was. We hadn't even placed an order or gotten water yet. He then asked me if I had sex toys, if I was wearing a thong, if I found it hot to pleasure a man while he was driving (no I do not as I enjoy personal safety and arriving at my destination in one piece) and if I played my cards right I could go to Ireland with him this summer. It was at this point that I ordered a whiskey. A double.

He then proceeded to tell me, in great detail, his entire list of what he is looking for in a woman. By this point, I had a pretty good sense of what he was looking for but the items on his list were interesting. I kept pointing out the ones that were not me. He also kept calling me a "good girl" which made me feel like a golden retriever. The date finally ended and he then texted me at 5:30am on Monday to ask for a second date. There was not a chance in hell of date number two before the text. Waking me up on a Monday before my alarm went off just confirmed it.

The Man With the M&M Tattoo

I seem to be meeting a lot of people lately who have been out of the dating game for a few years and are now are back in. Given I am usually a person asked for advice and my dating experience, I’ve been thinking about a few guidelines.

I used to be a 34.
Men who have “skinny” clothes in their closet with their regular clothes should be avoided. These are men who are living in the past, looking to return to some ideal weight they saw once twenty years ago and will never get back to. They also don't have the firmest grip on reality since they are pining for something that will never happen again.

Gnome gone bad.
To each his own with lawn decorations but avoid anyone who has a garden gnome. Even worse if he names the gnome and creates a back story for it far beyond “I went to the store and bought it” or "It was a gift from my grandma".

With this ring.
Run, do not walk from married men. These men are the consummate liars. They will lie to you, to their wives, family, the clerk at the grocery store, their dog, the air or anyone who comes across their path. If they’ve been cheating long enough, they will believe all the lies to be truth. Avoid them like the plague as anytime you spend on them is time you will never get back. If you want to submit yourself to the torture that is a small taste of what dating a married man is like, go get a Brazilian Bikini wax. In that case at least the pain is productive.

Water water.
Talk about living in the past. Anyone with a “The 70’s called and they want their bed back” water bed is really someone to avoid. If you walk into a man’s bedroom and see one of these, exit stage right.

Jealous Again.
Now it’s one thing to get a little flare of jealousy in the normal course of a relationship but men who are jealous of your job, your pets, your friends, your yoga class or anything that takes your attention away from them are really to be avoided.

Bob Likes Coffee.
Also avoid men who refer to themselves in the third person.
It’s creepy and you will spent a good portion of your time with this man wondering who he’s talking about, until you realize he’s been referring to himself all along.

Excessive toasters.
This has nothing to do with bread but the men who insist on toasting and clinking glasses after every sip. Once is nice. After each sip is annoying. Before you can even put your glass down from the last toast is maddening.

Superstitions are Us.
I once dated a man who, after I accidentally stepped on his foot, stomped on mine and declared it was retribution based on some inane superstition. This same man would not take a fork if you handed it to him. You had to put it down first. It’s exhausting trying to keep track and too puzzling for rational people to make heads or tails of.

Prematurely Speaking.
These are men who want instant relationships. Third date and dinner with the parents. Going away for a weekend after a month. Major holiday and meeting the whole family two months in. A sped up timeline very rarely leads to a successful relationship. This seems to be a common phenomenon of recently single men.

Obsession.
It’s one thing to have an interest in something. It’s a whole other can of worms when it’s unhealthy and all consuming. I dated a man who loved Disney. Not in a “loved Disney as a child” but a “love Disney so much I will go every year like clockwork until I die and will argue vehemently with people who don’t share the same level of interest.”

Art Gone Bad.
Tattoos can be beautiful, representative artwork with a lot of thought, detail and planning behind them. Or they can be awful, uncreative, uninspired collections of ink. Bad tattoos can be very hard to get beyond.

My Mom, My Roommate.
There can be circumstances where someone living at home is understandable. If it’s temporary or due to an illness perhaps. Anything beyond that beware as these men take being a Momma’s boy to a whole other level. If you are looking for a partner, these are not the men you want. You date a man who lives with his mother, at some point he will start treating you like her.

I'm 6'3".
Online dating brings out the creativity in people. Lying about height, weight, activity level are all common. It's best to resist the urge to do the same. And when your date who claimed to be over 6 feet tall shows up and needs a booster seat, take in mind the creativity factor.

Aquageddon

It was quite the week and weekend. Cambridge Science week, oil spill in the Gulf, car bomb in Times Square, unseasonably warm weather which made it feel like July instead of May, a new person in my life, and friends moving out of state. Of course this all pales against Aquageddon, which has to be the most awkward word ever. Just trying to pronounce it is like having a mouth full of marbles. The water main break that caused chaos for many communities was interesting to say the least. It made eating out a bit of challenge but was certainly not in evidence when I took this picture Friday night. I love walking over the Charles from Cambridge to Boston and the weather was perfect to do just that.

With all this going on, I managed to break a personal record by having three dates in the weekend. The record was the fact it was three dates with the same person. Another first was getting flowers on our first date. The special part was that he had the flowers delivered to the restaurant so when we walked in there they were! It was so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. He is someone who was entirely unexpected but so very much fun. Dinners, desserts, flowers, and a movie I have been dying to see kept me entertained and up way past my bedtime. It was so nice to laugh and get to know someone new. It actually feels odd not having a date with him tonight but a busy girl needs some time to herself :-) And of course date #4 is already scheduled.

On the home front, my home office renovation is in full swing. I adore my new desk and can't wait for the file cabinet to arrive (especially since I got rid of the old file cabinet last week). I have definitely taken to doing a huge Spring cleaning and purge and the efforts are starting to pay off. Life is indeed good :-)

Ready, Set, Date!

So this week's adventure was a speed dating event with the girls. I've done speed dating once before and figured why not. If anything, I can make conversation with just about anyone for 10 minutes. And I did. I also gained a new appreciation for just how very long 10 minutes can be. Most of the men were perfectly fine, no one I was really interested in, but there were a few that just were conversationally challenged. One man decided he had questions for me me. That was fine. What was not fine was that he asked me his questions all at once. I couldn't get a word in edgewise or answer any of them. So I just let him talk.

The highlight of the evening, beside spending time with the girls, were the nachos. They were so very good (I was also very hungry so that may have had something to do with it.) It turned into a very late evening for a Tuesday night. The rest of this week is equally busy with work and social butterfly activities.

Open mouth, insert foot

So I met this older man on the Red Line one evening. He was handsome and we shared one of those common public transportation moments at the expense of the very inebriated girl berating her poor boyfriend. We both got off at the same stop and started chatting as the train stopped. We exchanged numbers outside and spoke the next day. Turns out he's divorced (seems like not by his choice) and has 4 kids. So this puts him out of my dating range. But he's really interesting (pilot, artist, chef, designer) and I wouldn't mind grabbing a drink with him and being friends.

Anyway, so we spoke after my recent trip and he made the comment about my work ethic "you are just like my ex-wife". Uh, ok. Awkward. I surmised that he meant it in a positive way so I let that slide as a slip of the tongue. The next comment he made threw me for a bigger loop.

We talked for a few more seconds and he said "Who knows, you could be my future ex-wife". Oh boy. Lucky me.

What's in a name?

So I met a guy on my crazy Friday out a few weeks back. He seemed nice enough so we've been in touch. We have plans to go out this weekend. The problem? I have no idea what his name is. He introduced himself to me (and my 3 friends) at the bar. None of us know what it is which is sad since clearly none of us were paying attention. . We are also not sure of his nationality. His accent was German. Or Russian. Or Spanish. When he calls me he doesn't say his name. I was hoping to get his voicemail but no such luck. I'm not sure of the etiquette, but I think we are past the point where I can just ask him point blank. So I am left to hope that he pays by credit card so I can sneak a peek at his name. Or I can ask him for his email address.

So essentially I am going out with indeterminate accent no-name guy. It should be interesting :-)