Dating Sideshow

It seems to me that I could put together a circus sideshow of some of the men I have dated recently. I would only charge a nominal fee but could guarantee entertainment.

First up would be the man who claimed he didn't believe in the Internet. Yes, he actually said those words. This was a second (and last) date and I had, up until the point this gem was delivered, assumed his biggest flaw was apparent alcoholism. I was proven wrong by his utterance. I assured him that while the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny may not exist, the Internet indeed does. I told him it was more that he didn't believe in using the Internet. Given that he had an AOL email address, that seemed to be accurate. He was pretty inebriated by the time the date was over. When I called to tell him we were never going out again, he spent the first few minutes of that call quizzing me about what smartphone and data plan he should upgrade to. I told him he couldn't afford my consulting fee.

The next is the man who couldn't handle grief. Actually he was incapable of recognizing or handling any emotions (mine or his). So when I had to put my cat to sleep, he disappeared for days. And when I finally sent him an email asking what was up, he told me that he figured I wouldn't want to hear from him because he had never had a pet. I patiently (ok not really patiently) explained that grief is a pretty universal emotion whether for a pet or a person. He had some other issues so I broke up with him. It was adult and handled well. Then, about two weeks later, I got an email from him stating that he was moving on and couldn't have any more contact with me. The clue that we were moving on was the breakup phone call. Apparently he had a delayed reaction or needed to have the last word. Last I heard he was heading to a retreat to learn how to be more of a man. He's going to need quite a few retreats.

This brings us to the man who would not stop talking about sex. He was a friend of a friend and a set up. Before we had even met he was sending me text messages telling me that I was hot, asking what I was wearing and one very cheesy Roses Are Red poem. Our date was at 4pm on a Sunday. I am not even sure what meal that is suppose to be. Dinner? Lunch? Delayed Brunch? I got to the restaurant a little early and got really annoyed when he kept texting me from the parking lot asking if I was in the restaurant and where was I exactly. I was at the front (at that hour it wasn't like the place was packed). We sat down and he proceeded to explain to me how open minded and sexually experienced he was. We hadn't even placed an order or gotten water yet. He then asked me if I had sex toys, if I was wearing a thong, if I found it hot to pleasure a man while he was driving (no I do not as I enjoy personal safety and arriving at my destination in one piece) and if I played my cards right I could go to Ireland with him this summer. It was at this point that I ordered a whiskey. A double.

He then proceeded to tell me, in great detail, his entire list of what he is looking for in a woman. By this point, I had a pretty good sense of what he was looking for but the items on his list were interesting. I kept pointing out the ones that were not me. He also kept calling me a "good girl" which made me feel like a golden retriever. The date finally ended and he then texted me at 5:30am on Monday to ask for a second date. There was not a chance in hell of date number two before the text. Waking me up on a Monday before my alarm went off just confirmed it.