I seem to be meeting a lot of people lately who have been out of the dating game for a few years and are now are back in. Given I am usually a person asked for advice and my dating experience, I’ve been thinking about a few guidelines.
I used to be a 34.
Men who have “skinny” clothes in their closet with their regular clothes should be avoided. These are men who are living in the past, looking to return to some ideal weight they saw once twenty years ago and will never get back to. They also don't have the firmest grip on reality since they are pining for something that will never happen again.
Gnome gone bad.
To each his own with lawn decorations but avoid anyone who has a garden gnome. Even worse if he names the gnome and creates a back story for it far beyond “I went to the store and bought it” or "It was a gift from my grandma".
With this ring.
Run, do not walk from married men. These men are the consummate liars. They will lie to you, to their wives, family, the clerk at the grocery store, their dog, the air or anyone who comes across their path. If they’ve been cheating long enough, they will believe all the lies to be truth. Avoid them like the plague as anytime you spend on them is time you will never get back. If you want to submit yourself to the torture that is a small taste of what dating a married man is like, go get a Brazilian Bikini wax. In that case at least the pain is productive.
Water water.
Talk about living in the past. Anyone with a “The 70’s called and they want their bed back” water bed is really someone to avoid. If you walk into a man’s bedroom and see one of these, exit stage right.
Jealous Again.
Now it’s one thing to get a little flare of jealousy in the normal course of a relationship but men who are jealous of your job, your pets, your friends, your yoga class or anything that takes your attention away from them are really to be avoided.
Bob Likes Coffee.
Also avoid men who refer to themselves in the third person.
It’s creepy and you will spent a good portion of your time with this man wondering who he’s talking about, until you realize he’s been referring to himself all along.
Excessive toasters.
This has nothing to do with bread but the men who insist on toasting and clinking glasses after every sip. Once is nice. After each sip is annoying. Before you can even put your glass down from the last toast is maddening.
Superstitions are Us.
I once dated a man who, after I accidentally stepped on his foot, stomped on mine and declared it was retribution based on some inane superstition. This same man would not take a fork if you handed it to him. You had to put it down first. It’s exhausting trying to keep track and too puzzling for rational people to make heads or tails of.
Prematurely Speaking.
These are men who want instant relationships. Third date and dinner with the parents. Going away for a weekend after a month. Major holiday and meeting the whole family two months in. A sped up timeline very rarely leads to a successful relationship. This seems to be a common phenomenon of recently single men.
Obsession.
It’s one thing to have an interest in something. It’s a whole other can of worms when it’s unhealthy and all consuming. I dated a man who loved Disney. Not in a “loved Disney as a child” but a “love Disney so much I will go every year like clockwork until I die and will argue vehemently with people who don’t share the same level of interest.”
Art Gone Bad.
Tattoos can be beautiful, representative artwork with a lot of thought, detail and planning behind them. Or they can be awful, uncreative, uninspired collections of ink. Bad tattoos can be very hard to get beyond.
My Mom, My Roommate.
There can be circumstances where someone living at home is understandable. If it’s temporary or due to an illness perhaps. Anything beyond that beware as these men take being a Momma’s boy to a whole other level. If you are looking for a partner, these are not the men you want. You date a man who lives with his mother, at some point he will start treating you like her.
I'm 6'3".
Online dating brings out the creativity in people. Lying about height, weight, activity level are all common. It's best to resist the urge to do the same. And when your date who claimed to be over 6 feet tall shows up and needs a booster seat, take in mind the creativity factor.
